It's been a week exactly. I didn't know I was going to miss writing that much. There have been times I was itching to go online and write something. I didn't have anything in mind to write about, but I just had this urge to weave letters and blabber. Somehow, I managed to keep myself from turning towards my computer at home and instead glue my sight to the TV or my walls which I have long wanted to paint.
However, most of the time, I found myself outside the building where I live. Not just outside-outside, but some kilometers away, far enough for my cordless phone not to work. I would walk aimlessly, look far out aimlessly, and just be in the mood to do aimless things. I guess you could say I was in a senti mood, as my friend A. carefully put it. I don't know what got into me, but just for one time, I was in love with the feeling of being melancholic and abandoned.
So while everyone else was exchanging lavish gifts and feasting on fattening food, I was home watching Tom and Jerry which I would switch to National Geographic every now and then. I let my help take the day off to be with her sisters so she doesn't succumb to the same crude feeling I was drowning myself into. I said, she can be off till after christmas. And so, I was alone in my flat. I had to switch on the TV and the radio to give the illusion that there are other people in the room. But I didn't go to the extent of kissing people on the latenight TV show or worse, to stay up late just to hear the newsreader say goodnight or merry christmas to me. I was conscious I shouldn't reach that far. Otherwise, it was better off to just slice my wrist. Fortunately, I don't have suicidal tendencies.
Anyway, I guess I let myself go through that episode to make me more human,. There have been lots of times recently when I would stay up there in the flighty orgasm of good times that rolled for days and more days. I missed crying. I missed seeing myself portray those heavy martyr roles on local movies that I would catch on cable TV.
And besides, I needed to affirm that I am, after all, a really good actor. Christmas comes but once every year so there's not much other better time to perfectly execute crying roles.
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