I keep putting it off my mind, but somehow it manages to find its way back to me. The more I try to forget, the more it becomes so vivid. And I'm bothered. I think this is going to be my saddest christmas.
Not because I'm not surrounded by friends old and new nor is it because I won't be invited to wholesome and wild parties left and right. It's not even because there wouldn't be any lavish christmas dinner to be prepared with just me and the maid partaking of it assuming she decides not to take the day off. One friend suggested that it may be because I still don't have christmas tree and trimmings in my new place. I doubt it. I would have bought the fanciest decors and lined them up side by side from the building elevator to my entrance, and I'm sure I'd still feel heavy everytime I head home.
I have two theories:
One, maybe it's just the way it is when everything and everyone grows older. Things change, people change. Some stay, others move. You sometimes think about things and wonder at how strangely different they have become each year. This year will be one in the records for us. You see, I come from a really small family, one that normally considers christmas a time to cement relationships so everyone tries to be home. We're only four -- my younger sister and I, and our parents. Our folks are now living in far away Uwes-A and my sister is currently doing her graduate studies in Jakarta, Indonesia, and I'm here in Manila. Each of us will be where we are this holidays, an unthinkable situation especially for my parents who both are very sentimental.
Two, maybe I'm just old. Or maybe I'm bordering on depression. It's always the case when you live alone and certain occasions come to rock you off. You look at things differently once you reach 30. More often, you become more melancholic. You start recalling happy times in the past when everyone else was present. All of a sudden old and funny stories and private jokes become funnier and you start to laugh from the heart, and the ironic thing is no one else is there to laugh with. Everywhere you look at seem familiar. Their voices reverberate in the room. You know exactly how they say their greetings and how you answer.
Oh well, I may be one of one thing and a bit of another. But that shouldn't really be alarming. What's alarming is I have planned for some personal quiet time in some really quiet places outside Manila this christmas, and the northeast monsoon will suddenly unleash its fury and I would end up staying in my place. That's going to kill me. So in the meantime, while I'm still up, help me pray for good weather, good health, and some really good time.
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