Alone yet surrounded

Out of the blue, I felt water slowly wedge in my eyes and blurred my vision. I was close to letting my guards down and dramatically surrender to my feelings, but I thought I’ve been caught in a similar dilemma before and I’ve always managed to get through each time. I should be OK. But last Sunday afternoon however was different. This time, it was unusually difficult to keep my bearing and repulse the urge to bawl as I sat in the middle of a crowd watching kids perform in a musical number. I kept urging myself to remain calm and poised. It just wasn’t the place to cry.

The urge to cry your eyes out was the last thing anybody in that audience thought anyone should feel that time. The kids were in their elements as they swayed and glided on the stage. You can see them enjoying themselves, not mindful of the crowd that has gathered to watch them. They felt comfortable performing. Stage seemed to be a second home for them. I was genuinely enjoying myself watching them.

I couldn’t place where the feeling of being utterly sad was coming from. I ran thoughts in my head asking if there have been gloomy days earlier, and I couldn’t exactly agree if there ever was one. I just kept looking at the strobe lights above the stage to push back tears so they won’t fall over. I would bite my lower lip to put me in pain. I would force a smile and move my head to the beat in my attempt to fend off sad thoughts.

I still cried.