How to fight

When people ask me how do I fight while in a relationship, they always seem to expect me to spew out an unparalleled list of a thousand and one ways, not just to cuss, but to perfectly ignore somebody without really trying, how to impressively hurl glasses across the room, how to rip and shred vacation pictures flawlessly, how to leap into a one-night stand immaculately, or even how to be dead to the world and manage to sleep for a week. It’s funny how some almost always dwell on the extremes and picture people so unglamorously. It’s unthinkable, something that’s truly unflattering. They think that fighting always has to be bring us back to the times of gladiators and, worse, primates.

Looking back, I am proud to say that I never really figured in a fight with any of the three relationships I’ve had. No, it’s not that I’m afraid to fight or even anxious to confront irritations with my partner. It’s not that. In fact, there have been a few times we got annoyed with each other. The thing is, they have never really got blown into a major boxing match. We’ve always managed to talk things over and continue to enjoy life.

The reason is simple. To start with, I’ve been blessed with really good partners. They are all mature, peace-loving, warm-hearted, happy people. I’m really lucky in that sense. But more that this, I make sure certain things are not neglected. First of all, at the start of my relationships, I invite my partner to make a vow with me --- that, when we fight or when things are not going well with us, separation will never be considered the first option. I find this to be very practical and sensible. It motivates us to really work things out and not thrust us into a wait-and-see attitude or, worse, to just watch the other person vanish. The vow gives our feelings security, a sense of commitment, one that reminds that we’re in this not just for the fun.

Another thing I have found to be very wise and prudent move is for partners to willfully agree on how to fight. I try to initiate conversations on this subject during the “good times,” when everything is light and bubbly and Cali Shandy. The conversation aims to leave us with ideas on how to behave and conduct ourselves in times of war. J They don’t have to be so profound and overpowering. Most of the time, they are modest and straightforward agreements. For example, in my case, I always insist that we should be issue-oriented as much as possible. Past mistakes and oversights should never be brought to life again otherwise we’d trap ourselves in an unending argument. There should also never be physical violence. In no case shall the tip of our fingers land on the other’s cheeks or any other part. A calm and empathic listening is almost always just what’s needed. I also insist that, whenever practicable, we refrain from involving our friends and other people.

Meanwhile, for those who are interested in some tidbits of do’s and don’ts on how to fight, here’s what I found from a guidebook by Ken Hanes. I hope we all keep these in mind whenever the inevitable happens.

· Count to ten before you start.
· Stick to the issue.
· Don't dredge up ancient history.
· Avoid put-downs and name-calling.
· Nix the sarcasm and camp.
· Speak your mind, and give him the chance to speak, too.
· Avoid profanity.
· Don't throw anything.
· No violence. Ever.
· Don't change the subject.
· Don't pretend you don't understand what he's saying.
· Don't mimic him.
· Don't bully him.
· Assume nothing.
· Don't ask your friends to take sides.
· Don't hit below the belt.
· Be specific about your complaints.
· Don't threaten to leave him to get your way unless you truly mean it.
· An unfinished fight will only return another day. Fight to the finish unless you're merely fighting for fighting's sake, Then, stop.