I got this from Cynthia Oneal's advice column in the latest issue of Out. I thought I saw myself in Ms. Oneal's.
When people come up to me for my two-cents worth, I don't mince words most of the time. I call spade a spade, if you may. Just because you happen to be a longtime friend doesn't mean that I will coddle you or resort to deliver strings of white lies to cover your ass or say those things you expect to hear and make you feel better. Lest you mistake me for one stupid heartless bitch, I deliver my lines in such a way that they come out mindful of manners and diplomacy.
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Question: I am an 18-year-old gay boy. Currently I am in a relationship with someone and it’s been about 2-3 weeks. I have a problem though. I don’t really like being in relationships and I never have really been that wild about having a boyfriend. When I was younger and in my “straight” days, I never really dated, so I learned how to live without a girlfriend/boyfriend. Now it seems that there are a lot of people who are interested in dating me, but I’m not interested in dating them. I mean, I might get that infatuation stage for about 1-2 weeks if I find out someone likes me, but that’s it. With my current boyfriend, I just don’t seem to feel the same way about him that he feels for me. I like him, but he loves me. I think he’s taking things a little too serious and he wants a long relationship. I, on the other hand, like to have freedom to flirt and whatnot and thought that I would also like a “long” relationship. I am really worried about what to say to him. The bad part of this is that he’s quit drinking as much, doesn’t do cocaine anymore, and doesn’t smoke weed since he’s met me. I’m afraid that if I say that this is going too fast and that I’d like to take a break that he might do those things again, and I don’t want him to.
Answer: OK, let me say this. Loud and clear! You are not responsible for anyone’s drinking or cocaine use. That is their work and only their work. The fact that in the first flush of what for him is a romantic relationship he has stopped using means absolutely nothing. What are you going to do—spend the rest of your life with him pretending to feel things you don’t feel so that he won’t pick up again? I don’t think so! What you are responsible for is telling your truth. You need to be as honest with him (and everyone else) about who you are and what you want as you have been with me. Your life is your business—his life is his.
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For a similar question thrown at me, this is likely how I will answer too. Is there another way?
2 comments:
I super-agree with the advise and the attitude. But if I were in the kid's shoes, I'd break it to him gently: applaud the boyfriend's efforts at cleaning his act up, but making him realize that he should clean up for himself and not for someone else.
I hear Manila's future Cynthia O'neal talking here. :-)
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