One of my friends who's a lifestyle editor in a leading national broadsheet circulated a survey among his friends to come up with a tongue-in-cheek responses to the question "50 ways to hook a lover and 50 ways to dump a lover." I'm not one used to answering surveys like that, but I nevertheless tried my hand. Here's what I got.
To HOOK a lover
1. Polish your english. Nobody likes somebody who can't even order parmigiana in the restaurant.
2. Get into a sport. Get those flabs to be fab.
3. Learn to cook. There's some truth to what mom said, men are seized through their stomach.
4. Do volunteer work. Aside from his stomach, the way to a man's heart is through a display of sincere kindness of heart.
5. Together visit a feng shui master who will declare that you will make a great couple till kingdom come. Of course, the visit has been pre-arranged and you have "coerced" the master into the dialogue.
6. Burn all his favorite love songs in a CD and surprise him with it. While you're at it, why don't you just burn him CD's also when he does treadmill, reads a bedside book, vacuums the bedroom, or starts a foreplay.
7. Learn the basics of shiatsu. There's always another way to get your hands all over him.
8. Memorize a sonnet and recite it to him.
9. Laugh (okay, okay at least feign a sincere one) at his jokes. That tickles him.
10. Perfect the art of blowjob. That way, you hold him really in his balls.
To DUMP a lover
1. Get him to decide to maintain distance from you on his own. You can do this by always belting the killer song "My Way" all the time. Not just when you're inside a public karaoke place, but even in the car or inside the bath.
2. Refuse to hold his hands. Or be anywhere nearer than one-foot beside him. You say you have developed a newly-discovered allergy that forbids the slightest skin contact.
3. Train yourself to be on a seizure attack everytime he asks you out. That way, you're not forced to confirm or agree on anything. If your acting skills are way advanced, make sure the attacks lasts at least five minutes so you scare the hell out him and make him vanish.
4. Start an annoying hobby. You can begin by collecting human skulls, dead cats, witchcraft books, black candles or even dead fetus. A boyfriend scampering to the door is guaranteed.
5. Teach your parrot to mimic your boyfriend's irritating mannerisms. Don't forget to find a way to teach the bird to do that only when the boyfriend visits. Otherwise, you might lose your mind.
6. Put to a good use the only movie dialogue you have committed to memory. Shout "you are nothing but a second rate, trying hard copycat" everytime you end a phone conversation.
7. Make fun of his name. Tell him you just finished reading a book where his name referred to maggots of the lowliest order.
8. Always call him by your one of your ex's name. Better yet, call him using the term of endearment you used to call your immediate ex.
9. Tell him you had a dream last night. God asked you to cut your ties with everyone, except your family, and that you're heeding the order. It is best to deliver those lines as soon as you wake up to be convincing --- complete with a trembling voice and Gregorian Chant CD playing in the background.
10. With a stoic face, deliver the classic five-word parting shot: I am better off without you. Then immediately leave.
2 comments:
hmmm. yung sa "how to hook a lover", ginawa ko yung 1(kahit tagalero ako), 2(jogging around acad oval), 3(marunong ako magluto), 6(every month may burned cd sya, minsan kahit walang okasyon -- gusto ko lang syang bigyan), 8(binigyan ko sya ng isang sonnet araw-araw mula sa paborito nyang makata), 9(mahilig akong makinig sa mga kwento nya, kaya mahilig din akong tumawa sa mga jokes nya kahit corny), at syempre yung 10. hehe.
wala pa rin. he still dumped me.
Sabi nga ni Ate Vi, you can never can tell.
Pero di hamak na pinagsisihan niya iyon. Ikaw pa e nice catch ka! :-)
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